Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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