I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I need to calm my uterus...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize