So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
