you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
True strength comes from lack of pants
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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