fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
