We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
