Your dad touched me again.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
