I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
