How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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