So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
