My nipple is on Facebook.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Randomize
