HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Randomize
