I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize