I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
