He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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