Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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