My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
