I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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