i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
