ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
