"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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