i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Even the bartender felt bad for me
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
