This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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