I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Nicole vs. Life
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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