No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
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