your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
