In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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