Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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