If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
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