every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize