my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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