Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
