shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
