if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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