the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
