Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
