You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
