Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
