that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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