A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
