i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
