is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
