Your mouth is God's brothel.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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