How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
