and you said cock pushups were impossible
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Are we still banned from the library?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
