Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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