So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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