so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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