I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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