True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize