I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
