I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
