found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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