a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
