Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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