I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
