So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He passed out mid-signature
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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