guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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